Last night's game was rained out, so I thought I'd snag a few minutes on Aubrey Huff's laptop and start up my campaign for 2008. Too bad Aubrey's computer is filled with more viruses than his jock strap, cause it took me fucking hours to get to the motherfucking google homepage.
Let's get down to brass tacks: I'm Brian Roberts. I'm one of the best lead off hitters in the game. When I step to the plate, pitchers literally shit themselves. They're all: "oh fuck, it's that Brian Roberts guy, he has ocular enhancers that make him see the ball better." Plus, I steal a shit ton of bases. Last year, I stole 50! 50 fucking bases! Daniel Ocean and his ten butt pals couldn't steal that many if they tried.
Have you seen me on defense? Only if you watch the Web-Gems on Baseball Tonight, because you're sure as fuck not going to see me on a blooper reel. If the French could defend as well as me, then my Grandad wouldn't have had to lose his leg to some Kraut in the Ardennes. Thanks a lot France. SIKE.
So you're probably thinking, "fuck, this guy must play for the Yankees." Well, you're right I should, but they've got some guy named Robinson Caruso playing there. Instead, I play for the Orioles, aka the O's. As in, O winning seasons in the past 10. I should be in Pennant races, instead I play nightly in front of 5,000 fans who can't wait for us to finish losing, so they can sprint over to Federal Hill and get shitfaced before driving home.
Before the season Andy MacFAIL was telling everyone that it was a done deal that I was going to be on the Cubs, but the funny thing is I showed up on opening day, and I was still on the FUCKING ORIOLES. Apparently, Chicago wants to wait till the trade deadline, so that my value will drop some. Guess what motherfuckers, my shit doesn't drop. Have you seen my OPS+ for the season so far? It's an earth shattering 453! That means I'm 353% better than the average player this year. Chicago, get off your fucking asses and call Macfail. Tell him you want the best fucking 2nd basemen alive.
